Down in the dumps

I'm feeling down today as you can see from the post title. And its 10.16pm. Yup I'm kinda shocked too that I'm posting quite early cause I mostly reflect around 2 am. I guess it must be pms. So I just got my results for A's back and the results are horrible. No surprise there really. However, it really narrowed down my choices and that's awesome cause I think I know what I wanna do in the future now. I know that I really like kid from a certain observation I made of myself. Yes I observe myself cause I dont know me that well. I'm really hoping to look back and read these post to wonder why I was so worried in the first place. I know I need a plan b if this doesnt work out. But man I never thought of making it into a career. Cause I fear making drawing a bothersome and tiring thing. Its what makes me feel relaxed and I have the power of expresing myself despite the picture being totally irrelevent to how I'm feeling. However the detail that i put into my drawing reflects my mood. I love video games too so I guess it suits me. But I'm not sure if Singapore has a space for me. As in the field of work I'm interested in. Dayum there's so much to think about being 20. Do you experience this extential crisis too? Ja' feel? I hope I'm not the only one cause I'm the type to feel calm when I see that people do go through these moments and lived to tell the tale. How am I gonna get 12-20 artworks? GYAHHHHH.....must...persevere....i need advice real bad :C

Thanks and my life

Hey there people who read my blog whose probably cringing at the fact that my language is so bad. I'm so sorry you have to put up with this crap. Well whether you're just clicking through random blogs or anything, I just wanna say thank you for taking your time to read this sentence. I'm pretty sure I'm not worth the 2 min that you spend depending on your reading speed. Hey I don't judge. Maybe I do it subconsciously but I don't mean no harm. I had a great day yesterday which is just a few hours ago in the asia pacific region however it didn't start off quite as well. For starters, mom got mad but mostly frustrated due to the cats peeing literally everywhere. Have no idea what they were trying to pull off but if it was to piss my mom off (pun not intended or maybe I did) they freaking succeeded. However, as I have promised my friends, I went to my school's open house and my goodness was the choreography for modern dance awesome. So proud of the my little juniors. It wasn't perfectly executed but it was a decent performance that attracted the crowd. It was fun and playful and that definitely represented us as dancers. Kinda sad that I can't be involved with dancing anymore. Welp, it was fun while it last and I guess I have to find some other fun things that are permissible to do. And I am glad to finally see my cute and cuddly friends. They are very loveable people. And Seri was there too! Happy to see that she's fine. However, sometimes it strucks me so hard how lucky I am to be living this life. And I'm saying this cause my friend is feeling down in the dumps due to family circumstances. I pray to the greater being to grant her mother good health and a long life. Please let this be a blessing in disguise cause she's lived through some tough situations and I'm scared that if anything more were to happen she might break. So that was the summary. I may have left a huge chunk of it but hey, let me keep some stories to myself. Thanks again and have a great day! C:

All these feels and no face to vomit my thoughts to

To fall in love and have it reciprocated seems like such a wonderful thing. My goodness. Maybe it's just the time or maybe it's the manga I just read or even this hindi tune in listening to. How does these chemicals in our brains actually function or be secreted? Like for example just one day and your brain decides,"You know what buddy? I'm gonna make you fall in love with this person so bad that communication just doesn't work for you but you just have to try and signal to this person how you feel about him/her." Like why? WHY YOU DO THIS BRAIN? And it's so weird how they say the heart does the thinking in relationship when it actually doesn't. The heart's function is just to pump blood all over into your system and has no part in making you blush when you look that person in the eyes or get real careful with the words you use in order for that person to not be creeped out by you or avoid you because that just regresses the filling of the relationship vial of some sort. You know like the sims with those kinda stuff where you have to talk and joke to make it rise or fall depending on how often you interact. Okay now let's just talk a sec about having another person possesing the same type of feeling towards you. Now that is something close to a miracle I must say cause I have yet to feel it. I mean telling is a different thing but feeling, it's a security thing? I mean assurance. And you know how some people just stay single all their life? Well I have a theory for that that some might think is kinda something to squint your eyes upon and it is that these people, sadly ,are unable to find their soulmates cause they probably are dead. And that means that it's just a sad thing that they did not get to cross paths while both of them were still alive. And so I believe in the afterlife and not just due to my religion. Anyway, in the afterlife, they will figure out a way find each other and 'live' happily ever after. And isn't that just great? A greater being made another half of you in this world and this person will love you for the rest of his or her life and will not leave you and will wipe the tears off your face or argue with you about even the nitty gritty stuff however, it is all solely due to the choice that they made and that is to be with you. It's not like they were stuck with you like how families are and how they just have to live and deal with it. Totally no blood ties at all and this person can leave any freaking time they want but they CHOOSE to stay and that is amazing. Like our parents. They chose to be together. Well, unless it was an arranged marriage and they can't get divorce or something. And sometimes the greater being bless both of you with children that have some traits,good or bad, from the both of you. Just wow dude. Anticipating a love life like those in the hindi movies or the books may be too much but I hope to find the right man with the right values that loves me with all his heart even when we are all old and wrinkled and I hope that I can love him like that too.

It's kinda sad how the people who need help the most are those who keep encouraging others. And they are ironically the stubborn ones when it comes to their own problems. I am currently reading an amazing manga called Tokyo Ghoul and Tokyo Ghoul:re too. Kaneki Ken is this man who takes it upon himself any harm cause to the people he love. He thinks it due to his incompetence that these people are hurt and I really think that is sad. And it's kinda complicated how some may regard his kindness as some sort of twisted self-interest. However, i think it is a noble act to do whatever you can instead of depending on others and risk them getting injurt. Some say that it is due to his inability to come to terms with loneliness that was triggered by the death of his parents and when he suddenly found out that he was a different kind than he used to be.And due to that selfishness, to not want to be alone, he strive to protect everyone. I don't think it's wrong to have such mindset though. Anyways some problem cropped up in the household again and that is the reason for my rambling. Pardon me for I tend to write irrelevant things when problem arises. Kinda like me trying to escape for a bit ya feel me? Welp back to reality and this awesomesauce manga. Damn am I happy that Ezaidah recommended this to me.

It's 1.29 in the morning

Hey guys or rather whatsup future Ummairah. I'm currently an unsolved rubik's cube in a way that I'm a mess now. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have a horrible day when its results day. What am I gonna do with my life? I hope you have it all sorted out man cause I'm really in a state of lost-ness if that's a word. Btw, A levels is over. And I kinda feel like my life is too. I guess I'm just scared that people will comment on how I did and diss me and some may even give me looks of pity for God knows what reason and I hate that. I know I didn't put in effort and I'm just really lost. I wish you could come warn me about certain things in the future cause trying to solve it by myself is tiring me out. And its difficult having parents who thinks that there is only one solution to a problem. Like according to the education system in Singapore, the only way you can earn big bucks is to go to a university and get a decent job but I dont want that path. Is there no alternate path? Like seriously? Even after freaking 50 years of independence (not that it links up) but seriously though? I guess it's just that there is imperfect information going around here but it is known that the arts are not that well embraced in Singapore if I might say. I hope it changes in the years to cause I'm out of options and it feels like there is nothing else I can do. I've hit a roadblock. And I'm trying to find work too but the corporate world seem so scary and foreign to me. They ask to have interviews and I'm scared I can't meet the demands of these people. I'm inexperience and I have no diploma. All I have is my O level cert and that's it. Nothing attractive right? I'm currently just drowning myself with sapping manga and all that. Anyways, seems like my sis is feeling the pressures of marriage. I mean she's not married but people are pushing her to get married? You get me. You always do. I have four cats btw if you don't recall. Mui'za,Reda',Caramel and Kirara. Kirara is abang's though despite him not really taking care of the kitty. That side of him makes me mad. I kinda feel better though there is still heaviness in my heart. Oh and today was the first time I watched Mean Girls. Hahaha! Still have other movies I have to strike off my list. Goodbye for now. C: Stay strong

My Engrish

I realised how horrible my language was in the previous post. Or maybe it has to da with my maturity level. HAH! Anyways, had a great time these past 2 days. On monday, we (my sis and myself) had an outing with her friends. They are a great bunch. We went island hopping if you know what that is. For those curious, go google it. Hehe~ Naw I'm gonna tell you. It's just riding a boat to 3 different islands. The first was St. John island which is connected to Sister's island and the third is Kusu island that also means turtle island in Chinese. And there was this schedule we had to follow or else we will have to spent Christmas on the island. We'll technically we don't celebrate it but it's a public holiday. And my family went somewhere but I'll talk about that later. Apparently my sis and myself were late as Kak Z.,her friend, bought the 10 am ticket. It was probably the last ticket so we had no choice. She manage to stop the boat for us(thank God for her) and made it on the boat. We were dropped off on the first island and had our breakfast there. Kak Harveer got us Jalan Kayu's famous roti prata (it was beyond delicious) and she got herself and kak Z. nasi lemak. It was because of that and the trip to atm that got the taxi late to pick us up. Anyways it was a nice getaway for us and we could also see from the island that heavy rain was pouring all over Singapore. HAH! (This was like a draft and was a recollection of what happen previously and I actually went on a trip with them and kak nadia to KL. It was fun and full of good food. Not sure of the date of this post thought)

Hello back after 2 year. What's new?

Yes 2 years is a long hiatus but here I am again. I realise I only come back to write down things on this only when I've hit a road block. Like in 2012, there was my impending kairos year and now that I'm 19, I'm facing A levels and I'm not doing anything, like totally no effort at all to try to do well and get into a decent university. And apperently, seems like Google bought you in the last two years I have come to visit this rather morbid site. I mean I do write some nasty stuff here and just pour out my heart in these posts and thats why I call it morbid. Not that others post the same stuff as I do. My vulnerability is exposed here. Well it always was even in the real world. Whoever is reading this, like anywhere around the world, thank you so much for being an audience to my boring life. And congrats for making it through this far too. I often question the purpose of me going into jc. Was caving in to mom's request worth it after all? I'm not even sure if I'm actually blaming my mom for this. Maybe my view has been twisted as I'm easily influenced by others and most did point out the fault was in me. I have the rights to my own future but its hard to dictate it cause sadly even I can't see how i might end up later in life. Am I'm pretty sure I have yet to reach the lowest moment of my life and that scares me. Cause definitly, eventually, everyone have to go through it sometime. But please, to the Almighty, please make the roads and mountains that fill my life a tad bit easier to concur for I am a lowly human that needs guidance. Hopefully I will find a stable job that I enjoy the environment and the field of work. I wish you guys the best of luck for the next step of your lives. And if you're not inspired to change, think of how much time you have left and how you want you life, your mere existence to make such an impact upon others. To those who think of an easy way out, please don't I beg of you. You may be at your lowest but that means that the only way is up. You're like an arrow on a bow and the drawbacks you face just means that you will be launched into something pretty amazing, like an apple? Apples are amazing and so tasty. I like mine peeled. How about you? Okay off tangent right there. Go earn some money. Use it to travel the world or whatever. Treat yourself. Be kind to yourself and others. And the most important is to have fun. I hope that I can heed my own advice too. Have my own goals and all that ish. Till next time. Smile always