All these feels and no face to vomit my thoughts to

To fall in love and have it reciprocated seems like such a wonderful thing. My goodness. Maybe it's just the time or maybe it's the manga I just read or even this hindi tune in listening to. How does these chemicals in our brains actually function or be secreted? Like for example just one day and your brain decides,"You know what buddy? I'm gonna make you fall in love with this person so bad that communication just doesn't work for you but you just have to try and signal to this person how you feel about him/her." Like why? WHY YOU DO THIS BRAIN? And it's so weird how they say the heart does the thinking in relationship when it actually doesn't. The heart's function is just to pump blood all over into your system and has no part in making you blush when you look that person in the eyes or get real careful with the words you use in order for that person to not be creeped out by you or avoid you because that just regresses the filling of the relationship vial of some sort. You know like the sims with those kinda stuff where you have to talk and joke to make it rise or fall depending on how often you interact. Okay now let's just talk a sec about having another person possesing the same type of feeling towards you. Now that is something close to a miracle I must say cause I have yet to feel it. I mean telling is a different thing but feeling, it's a security thing? I mean assurance. And you know how some people just stay single all their life? Well I have a theory for that that some might think is kinda something to squint your eyes upon and it is that these people, sadly ,are unable to find their soulmates cause they probably are dead. And that means that it's just a sad thing that they did not get to cross paths while both of them were still alive. And so I believe in the afterlife and not just due to my religion. Anyway, in the afterlife, they will figure out a way find each other and 'live' happily ever after. And isn't that just great? A greater being made another half of you in this world and this person will love you for the rest of his or her life and will not leave you and will wipe the tears off your face or argue with you about even the nitty gritty stuff however, it is all solely due to the choice that they made and that is to be with you. It's not like they were stuck with you like how families are and how they just have to live and deal with it. Totally no blood ties at all and this person can leave any freaking time they want but they CHOOSE to stay and that is amazing. Like our parents. They chose to be together. Well, unless it was an arranged marriage and they can't get divorce or something. And sometimes the greater being bless both of you with children that have some traits,good or bad, from the both of you. Just wow dude. Anticipating a love life like those in the hindi movies or the books may be too much but I hope to find the right man with the right values that loves me with all his heart even when we are all old and wrinkled and I hope that I can love him like that too.

It's kinda sad how the people who need help the most are those who keep encouraging others. And they are ironically the stubborn ones when it comes to their own problems. I am currently reading an amazing manga called Tokyo Ghoul and Tokyo Ghoul:re too. Kaneki Ken is this man who takes it upon himself any harm cause to the people he love. He thinks it due to his incompetence that these people are hurt and I really think that is sad. And it's kinda complicated how some may regard his kindness as some sort of twisted self-interest. However, i think it is a noble act to do whatever you can instead of depending on others and risk them getting injurt. Some say that it is due to his inability to come to terms with loneliness that was triggered by the death of his parents and when he suddenly found out that he was a different kind than he used to be.And due to that selfishness, to not want to be alone, he strive to protect everyone. I don't think it's wrong to have such mindset though. Anyways some problem cropped up in the household again and that is the reason for my rambling. Pardon me for I tend to write irrelevant things when problem arises. Kinda like me trying to escape for a bit ya feel me? Welp back to reality and this awesomesauce manga. Damn am I happy that Ezaidah recommended this to me.

It's 1.29 in the morning

Hey guys or rather whatsup future Ummairah. I'm currently an unsolved rubik's cube in a way that I'm a mess now. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have a horrible day when its results day. What am I gonna do with my life? I hope you have it all sorted out man cause I'm really in a state of lost-ness if that's a word. Btw, A levels is over. And I kinda feel like my life is too. I guess I'm just scared that people will comment on how I did and diss me and some may even give me looks of pity for God knows what reason and I hate that. I know I didn't put in effort and I'm just really lost. I wish you could come warn me about certain things in the future cause trying to solve it by myself is tiring me out. And its difficult having parents who thinks that there is only one solution to a problem. Like according to the education system in Singapore, the only way you can earn big bucks is to go to a university and get a decent job but I dont want that path. Is there no alternate path? Like seriously? Even after freaking 50 years of independence (not that it links up) but seriously though? I guess it's just that there is imperfect information going around here but it is known that the arts are not that well embraced in Singapore if I might say. I hope it changes in the years to cause I'm out of options and it feels like there is nothing else I can do. I've hit a roadblock. And I'm trying to find work too but the corporate world seem so scary and foreign to me. They ask to have interviews and I'm scared I can't meet the demands of these people. I'm inexperience and I have no diploma. All I have is my O level cert and that's it. Nothing attractive right? I'm currently just drowning myself with sapping manga and all that. Anyways, seems like my sis is feeling the pressures of marriage. I mean she's not married but people are pushing her to get married? You get me. You always do. I have four cats btw if you don't recall. Mui'za,Reda',Caramel and Kirara. Kirara is abang's though despite him not really taking care of the kitty. That side of him makes me mad. I kinda feel better though there is still heaviness in my heart. Oh and today was the first time I watched Mean Girls. Hahaha! Still have other movies I have to strike off my list. Goodbye for now. C: Stay strong

My Engrish

I realised how horrible my language was in the previous post. Or maybe it has to da with my maturity level. HAH! Anyways, had a great time these past 2 days. On monday, we (my sis and myself) had an outing with her friends. They are a great bunch. We went island hopping if you know what that is. For those curious, go google it. Hehe~ Naw I'm gonna tell you. It's just riding a boat to 3 different islands. The first was St. John island which is connected to Sister's island and the third is Kusu island that also means turtle island in Chinese. And there was this schedule we had to follow or else we will have to spent Christmas on the island. We'll technically we don't celebrate it but it's a public holiday. And my family went somewhere but I'll talk about that later. Apparently my sis and myself were late as Kak Z.,her friend, bought the 10 am ticket. It was probably the last ticket so we had no choice. She manage to stop the boat for us(thank God for her) and made it on the boat. We were dropped off on the first island and had our breakfast there. Kak Harveer got us Jalan Kayu's famous roti prata (it was beyond delicious) and she got herself and kak Z. nasi lemak. It was because of that and the trip to atm that got the taxi late to pick us up. Anyways it was a nice getaway for us and we could also see from the island that heavy rain was pouring all over Singapore. HAH! (This was like a draft and was a recollection of what happen previously and I actually went on a trip with them and kak nadia to KL. It was fun and full of good food. Not sure of the date of this post thought)

Hello back after 2 year. What's new?

Yes 2 years is a long hiatus but here I am again. I realise I only come back to write down things on this only when I've hit a road block. Like in 2012, there was my impending kairos year and now that I'm 19, I'm facing A levels and I'm not doing anything, like totally no effort at all to try to do well and get into a decent university. And apperently, seems like Google bought you in the last two years I have come to visit this rather morbid site. I mean I do write some nasty stuff here and just pour out my heart in these posts and thats why I call it morbid. Not that others post the same stuff as I do. My vulnerability is exposed here. Well it always was even in the real world. Whoever is reading this, like anywhere around the world, thank you so much for being an audience to my boring life. And congrats for making it through this far too. I often question the purpose of me going into jc. Was caving in to mom's request worth it after all? I'm not even sure if I'm actually blaming my mom for this. Maybe my view has been twisted as I'm easily influenced by others and most did point out the fault was in me. I have the rights to my own future but its hard to dictate it cause sadly even I can't see how i might end up later in life. Am I'm pretty sure I have yet to reach the lowest moment of my life and that scares me. Cause definitly, eventually, everyone have to go through it sometime. But please, to the Almighty, please make the roads and mountains that fill my life a tad bit easier to concur for I am a lowly human that needs guidance. Hopefully I will find a stable job that I enjoy the environment and the field of work. I wish you guys the best of luck for the next step of your lives. And if you're not inspired to change, think of how much time you have left and how you want you life, your mere existence to make such an impact upon others. To those who think of an easy way out, please don't I beg of you. You may be at your lowest but that means that the only way is up. You're like an arrow on a bow and the drawbacks you face just means that you will be launched into something pretty amazing, like an apple? Apples are amazing and so tasty. I like mine peeled. How about you? Okay off tangent right there. Go earn some money. Use it to travel the world or whatever. Treat yourself. Be kind to yourself and others. And the most important is to have fun. I hope that I can heed my own advice too. Have my own goals and all that ish. Till next time. Smile always

Hello Honeys. *winks* hehe~

So recently I've been noting down things to write down. That's how much effort I'm putting okay? There were a couple of emo things so let's get it started. I've recently picked up a book called "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult. A fantastic book to read with enough dosage of love, family drama,pre-teen stress and so on. There was this part where Anna, the protagonist(actually all the characters were given a voice so...), wonders how people would react to her death. This is a question no normal 13 year old would normally ask. Or anybody else with a different opinion? It just got me thinking of how people would react to my death too. I was in an emo state when I note this down so excuse me. >.< I'm actually worried about the people close to me. I really wished for a world where they will continue to live forever. But that's total nonsense. People are born and people die. That's life. Instead of the feeling of being worried, I think a better way to phrase it is that I just don't want to get hurt. Humans are selfish and in my case, I try to protect myself. I never seem to take risk due to my fears. It's like wrapping myself in bubble wrap. A close example is not mixing around with new people. Oh! another is avoiding places where many guys would gather. Or is that totally irrelevant? Okay maybe it is. That is something to do with confident is it? I mean if I know one person, I don't make an effort to make new ones. And I would rely on them. The first on my list to making a new me is to be independent. The rest... I'll think about it. I need to sleep badly. Goodnight! C:

Guess who's back? *RAISES HAND EARNESTLY*

Hello people reading my blog. Reading through it made me remember things that I would have not recalled for a hundred years. Okay maybe that is an exaggeration but come on. The current life that I'm living is a repetition of everyday life. I realise I'm not appreciating every second God is giving me. You never know when you might just drop dead right? So let me say something about my past posts. I'll admit that I never really vent out my feelings knowing people might judge you by the things you write here. And to Benot if you happen to read this, I've got to tell you that I struggled being friends with you. I remember how bad your temper was when we were in sec 1 and 2. But now, looking back more mature (I hope so HAHAHHA!), I realise that there were internal and external reasons that have probably cause you to be constantly irritated by me. I've gotta say that I also play a part in making you scold me. Gyahahaha! Prangai so kakak lah lu. I'm glad to have stick by the bananas,monkeys and coconuts. And this is probably cliche but if I were to do this all again, I would still stick by you people. You guys made my secondary school life be flowed by the rainbow of awesomeness. Awww stahp it. Back to the now. I've know that I never really trusted guys. This is probably caused by my years of no experience with guys. And experience as in friends. Don't get the wrong idea you sneaky monkeys. I'm never fitting in with guys. They make me feel...awkward. I'm not myself and that is damn uncomfortable. I'm in Jc but apparently had to repeat the year. Why you might ask? Oh it's just due to my lazy ass to just start bucking up in the middle of the year. I mean I thought I did my best but there was probably something that just went horribly wrong in the middle there. And so you have it. I'm a Kairos. TAADAA. Ah crap. I've gotta move on. Oh and I'm also tryna improve my drawing skills. You might not know where it might head me to right? It's more of a hobby if you ask me. For relationships, nothing is happening right now and I'm thankful for that. As the line from Easy A goes, " I think my complete lack of allure shot that horse in the face." HAHAHAHA! That is one funny show. But in reality I think I've unnecessarily fallen for someone. *oooooo that's what she said* HAHAHAHAH! But ditch that. So back to friends. I keep changing the topic sorry guys but keep up with me. I hope to make a time capsule with them. And I'm sorry that I'm sharp-tongue sometimes. I always manage to hurt people with my words without realising it. Especially those close to me. I wonder why I watch my words with stranger. I probably unconsciously set a trap to make you guys think I'm decent. Sorry babe. Peace out, dudes and dudettes.